It's Chilly Here... Better Grab Your (Strait) Jacket

I wish I could state in detail the regularity of ridiculousness of my Tuesday morning appointments. I mean seriously. The fundamental characteristic that must be present in order to get an appt with me is that you must be nuts. I must caveat here.... there are some very good friends who at one time, were perhaps scheduled for an appt with me on a Tuesday morning.



I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.



I am talking to the people who leave me feeling like I need medication directly following the appt. I do not seek intentional friendship with these people. I try to keep my crazy friends separate from my crazy patients. There is a line and try to walk it carefully. That being said, let's continue on with my crazy life...



Chapter 36 - story #42



Last Tuesday, I was scheduled for an appt with a precious little kiddo. Precious, I say. Well behaved and clean. Cute as a button. I would totally take him to the park. His family... not so much. Characters in this story include precious little **Ethan (**Names have been changed to protect the guilty and myself.), Mama, and Granny Agnes. It is very important to note that Mama and Granny Agnes are related by marriage, there is no blood between them except bad. They are daughter and mother-in-law. Let the fun begin...



Every one transitions nicely to the room. Little Ethan is playing nicely. Granny Agnes needs to lay off the smokes. Mama needs to grow a backbone. This is strictly my initial analysis and they pay me well for it. There is enough going on in this evaluation appt that there is no way to cover the entire cock-a-maminess (I might have just come up with a new word?) so I will hit the high points. These are the TOP TEN actual quotes said...


10. (Christi says "Why are you here today?") "I don't know. Granny Agnes, why don't you tell 'er." - Mama, scared and insecure

9. "He ain't talked right." - loud and proud by Granny Agnes

8. "SHOCKING!!!!" - thought bubble quote by Christi

7. "Well, she don't keep no structure and let's just.... let's just say that.... let's just say that we's different in hows we growed up the kids. I just slap 'em and tell to get their _ _ _ _ together 'cuz I ain't got time for none a that nonsense." - Granny Agnes

6. "Wait, for real? Did you just seriously say that?" - thought bubble quote by Christi



5. "We's just not used to lettin' kids write on the walls with crayons and scribblin on the cabinets with markers. I ain't just not puttin up with that. I finally went out and bought some markers and crayons and colored with 'em on the walls." - crazy ole Granny Agnes

4. "I grew up depressed and a place where we just feel everything and I know I'm sensitive but they're just mean." -venting by Mama and answered by Granny Agnes with this... "Oh, we are not mean. You don't take care of your kid and I don't have the time. Well, YEAH we tell dirty jokes and we cuss at each other and we use some pretty hard language, but _ _ _ _, you've gotta be kiddin me that you're sayin we's mean!?!?"


3. "Well, she let's 'em just sit around and watch TV all day and then she don't get 'em when he plays in the plugs." - Granny Agnes the antagonizer



2. "That ain't true!!!! I grew up in a depressed family and I just don't think there is anything wrong with being nice sometime. And anyway, she takes Ethan's diaper off and tells him to go pi... I mean, pee on grandpa and she thinks its funny!!!" - Mama the indignant


And the number one quote of the appt....

1. "Well, that WAS pretty funny!!!" - Granny Anges, the unpaid comedienne of preschool programs all over the US.

These "ladies" almost came to blows and there were defintely tears present and I'm not talking about the kiddo's tears. I have never seen anything like this at all. Classic and yet so disturbing.

Comprehensive speech language evaluation:

$647

Value of my time wasted on this evaluation

because the child is totally fine:

in the $1000's

Value of honest and stunningly ridiculous material gleaned for my next show:

PRICELESS,

of course!!!