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Hopefully the name of this blog speaks for itself. I envision it being one of humor, exhortation, random musings, theological discussion, sports, and things that impact my life and could bless yours. Sometimes it might be a verse or a funny story, a sports score that has me up in arms or a profound truth that has hit me. I pray you find your visit here blessing your heart.

Monday, September 17, 2007

My Big Fat Greek Work Out

I know, it has been a while. "Busyness" seems like a lame excuse but does "Business" seem a little more excusable? I have been inundated with Busyness or Business, whichever you prefer to forgive me for. I haven't even gotten to blog on my teams. That is slacking is what that is. I am ashamed. Did I mention that I was busy?

I blog today for the point of letting you in on a funny. At my expense. Why I do this I don't know except that I know had I seen this, I would have fallen on the floor laughing myself. Truly. And, had I been friends with myself and known me the way that I know me, it would have been doubly funny! Save this entry until you have a bad day and read it with the intent of laughing at me because, honestly, it is the right thing to do. I have nothing to defend myself with. It is what it is. And so, we move into the story...

As many of you know, I traverse the gym multiple mornings per week. I love the gym not only for the clean white towels and the straight lines of treadmills that will do everything but run for you but for the overall general experience while there. I am a people watcher. I admit, I enjoy stretching and allowing my eyes to linger on those that are seriously working out. They are not there for show in their cute spandex. They are not there to yap it up with their friends. They are hard core. (They are women and men who are seriously inspiring to me to keep going when I want to quit. Not that I need the inspiration because I have enough determination to do that one last push up - not sure where that comes from but I am super competitive with myself when it comes to exercise. I have beat myself many times which I think works well for me because I always win when it is me against me.)

Have I let you in too much?

Anyway, I am choosing to go to the gym at 5:45 these days primarily because I am crazy and secondarily because that is the only time I can go with this job that I am finding is taking approximately 10-12 hours of my day these days. So, let's talk about the people that are at the gym at 5:45. These are the Mr. and Mrs. Olympians of the world. These are the older generations who have been up since 4:oo AM. These are disciples of Tony Little. These people aren't playing. They bring their own sweat towels and have an engraved plaque on their particular treadmill of choice. Don't EVEN think about getting on that treadmill and sweating one ounce on that plaque either. They bring their own quick oats and bananas in a cardboard container that reads "with extra muscle powder" for them to consume at the gym. They have no cellulite and a lot of them have no hair - I guess because that would weigh them down.

Conversely, I have hair. I have some cellulite because why am I at the gym? I eat steel cut regular oats AT HOME and sometimes, when I am daring and not caring about the calories, I put a Splenda in it. My oatmeal does not have extra muscle powder in it. I don't think I need extra anything in whatever choice of food I eat. That's just me. To say that I don't quite fit in the gym landscape at 5:45 AM is probably true. I don't stick out like a sore thumb but perhaps a slightly irritated thumb. One of these days, I will hopefully fit in because there will be no cellulite, but I am NOT shaving my head and I don't like powdery bananas. Love me, love all of me. That's just how I roll.

Can we please get to the story? Yes, quit rushing me.

My trainer, who has the biggest dimples in the world, (which I am sucker for but don't let this fact lead you to believe that there will be a future here because there just won't be) is there this morning waiting on me. For those that know me, I was late this morning BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME FOR ME TO BE LATE TO MY WORK OUT (with this trainer). We are all a work in progress. I go warm up and we get to the work out. First, the bird dog...

Can we please talk about yoga? I don't get this. I am going to need the 411 on this activity because I fail to see how one leg out and an opposite arm out is helping me lose poundage.
Hold it for 20 seconds.
He looks at me like,"Is this OK?" I'm like, "I'll hold this ridiculous dog pose for the next 20 years if you want. What is this doing for me?"
"Switch", he says with as much trainer leadership as he can which means change arms and legs.
Does he know that my other arm and leg is holding me up. For some reason, I get the impression this is supposed to be difficult. I must be in SPECTACULAR shape because I don't feel a thing except that I am channeling an English Springer.

(Side note: I don't want to fuss about my trainer. He is a good guy. He has dimples. He meets me at 5:45. That is well and good but there is something missing there. I don't know. I don't have the connection with him that I would like to have to help motivate me to get it up at 5:15 AM and drive over there. Maybe it is because he is not bringing ice cream for the cool down portion. Whatever it is, there is something lacking - not in his abilities, more in our chemistry.)

The work out continues. We're balancing on a medicine ball. We're rowing for two minutes. We're curling biceps. We're extending triceps. We're pushing up and holding planks. Here is the point of our story. (It took us a while but I knew we'd get here.)

Ladies and gents, work with me on this and try to get a visual of this scenario. You gym rats out there that are familiar with equipment... let's talk about those bands. The ones that are different colors of tubing with handles at each end. They look like rubber jump ropes. Are you with me? OK. Now the yellow colored band is attached to the metal stabilizer near the middle of the gym with all the other bands that are attached as well. It is attached in the middle of the band so that the handles are free. He goes and gets one of those belts with the double buckles that people wear so they don't hurt their backs (ironic!). He puts that belt through both handles of the yellow tube jump rope and then tells me to put it around my waist. Basically, these are the words I heard.

"Giddyup, Trigger!!


Seriously, that set up is not supposed to be for humans. He essentially put reigns on me. I was a horse. The only thing I was missing was a bit in my mouth. In front on Mr. and Mrs Olympias at 6:00 AM and grandmas and grandpas. Now, had I been a casual observer and seen this set up happening, I would have gone over for a "water break" just to see how this was going to go down because who here doesn't see "FUN" written all over this. Yeah.

Trainer instructs: "OK, Christi. I want you to run out to me (approximately 8 feet out from the metal stabilizer) and slap me some skin and run back." (He didn't really say "slap me some skin" but that's what he meant.)

Attention all ladies and those gentlemen that had girlfriends around 2002 when the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" came out and saw this gem of a flick. Love this movie. Love the "tumor-is-my-twin" scene. Love the "men-are-the-head-but-the-women-are-the-neck-who-turn-the-head" scene. But, my favorite scene is the one when she is in the travel agency and forgets that she has the telephone headset on and walks away and her head jerks back and falls on her rump roast.

Love it!

Today, I lived it.

Yes, friends. You missed it unless you were taking a "water break" at the Y at around 6:10 AM this morning. Trigger ran forward and ran back, clipped her hoof on the rubber floor when the bands jerked her back and fell backward on her own rump roast, legs over head, and slammed into the metal stabilizer, and tangled in the rainbow of tubular jump ropes.

Yeah, it hurt in case you can stop laughing enough to care.

I have to say, the look on my trainer's face was PRICELESS. I bet we have a different kind of chemistry now. We are bonded in a way that not many people are bonded with me. It was a look between, "Holy Cow!" and "Bull honky-donk that she just fell in front of this entire gym" and "Do I have insurance?". And seriously, what do you do when faced with that situation? Seriously. What is he supposed to do there?

HIM??? What am I supposed to do there?? Yoo-hoo! I am the one in the floor. Strapped to a yellow jump rope. Wearing a double-buckled, muscle-man belt. I couldn't get loose of that stupid band if my life was on the line.

Here is what goes through your mind...
Idea #1: I could totally cry here and gain sympathy and nobody would laugh if I was crying. Plus it did hurt but probably not enough to merit crying.
Idea #2: I wonder if I could possibly just pray hard enough to melt into this stupid rubber floor. Whose idea was this to put a rubber floor in this sweaty gym when we're all walking around in tennis shoes? Fire 'em!!!
Idea #3: Maybe nobody saw this and the Lord is showing His bountiful mercy on me and for ten seconds, everyone in the gym went blind. Yeah. One glance around the gym knows THAT didn't happen. God does have a sense of humor, don't think He doesn't, and there were people in that gym that needed encouragement this morning. No one went blind. In fact, exactly the opposite. Everyone was watching me for those ten seconds. God gave the blind momentary sight for this scene. It's a miracle! Praise the Lord!
Idea #4: I should just get up and yell at the trainer.

Guess which one I did?

IDEA NUMBER 4!!!!!!!

Just saying that makes me laugh!! I did NOT yell at the trainer. I DID want to smack him for saddling me up like an equine, but I did NOT yell at him. This is what I said after he helped me up.

"I have one more rep. Go back and let me run and finish the set."
Well within the boundaries of couth given the situation, wouldn't you say?

Yes, friends, Romans and countrymen. I ran another rep and took a chance that Bessie could fall again. I finished my reps and the set.

Then I fell again.

NO! I DIDN'T FALL AGAIN!
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? A KLUTZ!
AFTER THAT FALL, I BECAME AN ETERNAL HIGH STEPPER!
I'LL NEVER FALL AGAIN!

In defense of my trainer, I have to give him kudos (not the bars). The guy is a statue because he did not laugh. He didn't even crack a smile. That is some stiff upper lip because I would have had water spray out my nose from my "water break" had I seen it. I can only imagine the conversation between trainers after I left. They are all going to make every one of their clients do it now! And here is the thing. I cannot blame them. I would have fallen over laughing. I imagine it was beyond hysterical.

Glad I can share stories like this one to amuse the supportive readers. It's a shame they all have to be at my expense. However, I am here for you. It is all about you guys! Enjoy the imagined visual and try to encourage someone else today. Spill your coffee. Fall backward out of your chair at a meeting. Challenge yourself. You can do this!

Come on. I did it for you.

6 comments:

Mandy B Stenberg said...

There are tears coming from my eyes. My sides and face hurt from laughing - a really good BELLY laugh. Oh my word.

Oh my word.

What a way to start a Wednesday. Thank you so much for writing that!

AngJoyB said...

I just read this with my friend Caleb- 21 one year old-hottie-weight lifting youth intern... He said you need to move here. He wants to be your life long trainer.

Christi said...

I am skeptical of all trainers...especially those who have read this story and want in on the action. I have a work out in the morning with dimples. I will have to see if he gives me the "entertainment discount". It seems fair to expect a full 25% off if I am contributing to the positive morale of the gym. If he does not come through, I'm going to need Caleb's email...

amyo said...

Christi, Christi, Christi...... what are we ever going to do with you????!!! :) This story made me laugh and made me greatly miss you all at the same time!

Mandy B Stenberg said...

Yeah . . . so I totally forwarded your blog on to friends! I could NOT help but share the joy you brought me as I read!

amyo said...

Christi, Christi, Chris - ti.....
Thank you for the "Happy Birthday" blog announcement. I can say that I've never had one of those before.

I just read your most recent blog and I have to say that I love how God still uses you in my life from so far, far away.

You've been on my mind frequently these past few days and wanted to know you have been prayed for. I continue to pray God's blessings on your deepest desires as you hear Him in "the waiting".

I love you, my friend!!